Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
