this boner is exhausting
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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