Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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