I think im going to throw up on grandma
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You took a bar mat shot.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹ï¸
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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