she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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