I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
