I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
