OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Holy shit dude........stairs
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
