I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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