god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
there's paper in my vomit.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
