Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
