I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
