just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
