Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
