I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
