When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
