I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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