can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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