I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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