I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
