I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
