I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
