Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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