I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
