my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
...so i touched it.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
