we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
