frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
