Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
