btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
