the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
