Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
