I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
