I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Dignity is for republicans.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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