Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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