How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
