trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
