im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
