i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
