I want to have your abortion
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
