sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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