And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
