Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
