Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Randomize
