Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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