He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
