You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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