There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
