I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Your topless pictures make me question reality
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
