you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
