Taylor Swift is so right about you.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Randomize
